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Aug. 19th, 2016

Jorge Negrete, Maria Felix, amor

Let it all end...

Just end.

Sep. 7th, 2015

Placebo - Stef GayDance

Life

I've been dealing with so much stuff lately. Had a major episode of OCD - obsessive behavior - over something I've never really doubted but never really felt comfortable with since I became an adult. Being a woman, a female has always been something I've never questioned but have recently become obsessed with my gender identity. When i feel sane, I feel like i'm fine but when I feel obsessive, I'm convinced I'm dissociating and not really myself. My therapist and I have been working on mindfulness and I really need to do that more often.

I just want to be myself.

May. 29th, 2013

Placebo - Stef GayDance

Ages

It's been ages since I posted in this blog. I've had so many things happen in my life but, somehow, still feel the same I've felt before.

I have a full-time job as a tech editor. I have been working here for a little over a year and still feel a sense of unhappiness when I'm at my job. When I'm driving to work, I get angry at the world and just hate being here. I think my negative mindset is starting to get to me.

I'm especially stressed since my co-worker left the company and I'm alone on this project, an off-site project at an oil company. While it's not horrible, I feel that my goals are not being used and neither are my talents. I have to be careful, though, because I have a tendency to run away from stressors, problems and making myself own up to having confrontations in my life.

I think part of the reason I'm annoyed and hate my life is that it's not where I want it to be. I personally don't care for living in Houston, though it does have some benefits. One of them is that I just bought a house, a thing that makes me, sometimes, feel like I'm trapped.

I feel like I'm constantly talking myself into things. I wish I knew if it were because I really hate my job or just because I'm scared. Fear has made me do things in my life because I'm afraid of losing and being alone and being poor and not accomplishing anything.

I wish fear were a great motivator for me.

Jan. 7th, 2012

Jorge Negrete, Maria Felix, amor

It's this life....

I had an interview in Dallas yesterday. I don't think it went really well, mostly because I wasn't cut out to be an editor. It's so hard to get into that mindset when it's always been a really difficult thing for me.

Ugh...

Jul. 2nd, 2011

Jorge Negrete, Maria Felix, amor

What Now?

What to do next? There are many things that I would like to be involved in within the next year and I think it might be time for some changes, just don't know what.

I hope the universe helps me figure it all out.

Oct. 24th, 2010

Jorge Negrete, Maria Felix, amor

Spirited!!

I have a new show that I love from Australia called "Spirited." Who knew that Claudia Karvan could be this awesome, could be from the bad impression I got from her in "Daybreakers." That movie was awful but apparently she's awesome in this show.

And don't even get me started on Matt King, British comedian and hilarious, sexy man. He's a bit old but he's awesome to look at, his eyes are a great shade of marine green, light and weak but still amazing to look at.

Ah.......

Aug. 16th, 2010

Jorge Negrete, Maria Felix, amor

If you were a miller....

I'd probably still be out of a job. At the moment, I'm uber-exhausted from working in the census and having to redo forms when it's obvious that they were done correctly the first time. It's such a shame but whatever, means more $$$ for me so yay!! I'm already trying to tack down all my expenses, like a flight back home, where I will be living with in the first few days - family btw - and keeping my hopes up for a job in the city but it's not looking good.

I did find something in Houston and it will be a getting a cover letter tomorrow, I'm kind of excited if I do end up getting it. I shot myself in the foot for the Houston job by taking to long deciding what clips I should send and by the time I did, the job was filled. Sucks majorly! Also, the job in Galveston looked very promising but the fact that I wasn't in town really killed my chances at a job interview. It was awful finding out since I was beginning to get a little butterfly-stomach at the prospect; btw, that's a good sign.

So, this last Houston job will hopefully pan out and I can actually have a media job when I head back to Houston. I do get the feeling, though, that my parents really want me to stay in NYC only because they know I'll be happy here and not so depressed as I was living in Houston. My father, I think, began to feel for me and my mother just thought I was wasting my life away, which I was.

I can't believe I'm almost 30 years old and live like a fucking college student, it's pathetic and heartbreaking and annoying. Mostly, it makes me feel very angry because I feel cheated about having a real life with a real job. It's one thing to fantasize becoming famous but it's another to not even have a truly reliable job. This recession kicked all of us in the ass, such greedy motherfuckers ruined it for all of us.

Aug. 2nd, 2010

Jorge Negrete, Maria Felix, amor

Dr. Who-Mania!

Ace
Ace
Take Which Doctor Who companion are you? (girls) today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.</p>
You're Ace!

Alien menace threatening you? Need to create a distraction? Very large rock in your way? It's amazing how many problems can be solved by blowing something up. You like the simple approach, so when a troubling conundrum turns up, you're often the one saying, "Why can't we just...?" You may be a kid, but you're hardly wet behind the ears--the universe has tested you with fire, and you've thrown some fire right back.There's nothing more honest or forthright than a can of Nitro-9, and that's how you like your friends; you have only so much patience for the Doctor's secretive and enigmatic ways.

Aug. 1st, 2010

Jorge Negrete, Maria Felix, amor

Life Goes On...

First off, let me say that Plantar Fasciitis sucks! Apparently everyone gets it once in a blue moon and I'm one of the lucky ones now. Just gotta take care of my feet and they should be fine in a few months, though walking in NYC is not a good thing sometimes because of it.

So, to deal with it, I've been doing stretches and yoga. The yoga seems to help and I'm even going to buy a pair of Birkenstocks because they're amazing for the structure of your foot. Unfortunately, I can't get the uber-cute ones because they don't offer as much support for my feet but the ones I can get aren't too bad. :D I'm actually super excited about them!

In other news, the census is starting up again as well as writing cover letters. That is not fun but I think I have some interest in Texas. I'm not too thrilled about potentially moving back home but I have to think of the positives: I'm going to be near my family, I will have a car - so I don't have to walk everywhere, and I will be furthering my career. I'm sure I can handle it for another year, though it seems as the universe doesn't want me to ever leave Texas. A major "Fuck You" moment.

Oh well.

Jan. 30th, 2010

Jorge Negrete, Maria Felix, amor

Love and Life in NYC

This year has been an interesting year so far. I've made out with a drunk, Spanish friend of my friend, had my foot stomped on, my ego and heart broken and basically had the time of my life on New Year's Eve. We never spoke about it nor have I ever wanted to speak to him. I finally met my friend Andre, which was a great surprise and he definitely helped lighten up my mood during the whole mess and on my birthday, he made me laugh and feel wonderful. That's all that really matters, right?

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